The Gap August 27 2018, 23 Comments

I’ll admit it. This back to school season has been more difficult than others.

I always feel the gap. It’s never not there. Most of the time though, it serves to magnify what we do have. Loss is good for that. But, at times, it’s more gaping and empty and searing than others. 

Bryer would be of kindergarten age and although I know he was never created for kindergarten, it still stings that I didn’t get to send him on the bus with Remy and Sander this year.

See, when those two lines pop up for the first time on a test, a mama’s heart shifts gears and the dreams start churning. Your expectation and heart’s desire is a healthy baby who will grow up amongst your brood or maybe lead the pack of ones yet to come. Maybe they’ll be musically gifted like dad or tall like mom. Will they have their brother’s sense of humor or their sister's laser focus. You start calculating how old they will be the month you’ve got that Disney trip planned and think about ordering another Christmas stocking. On and on and on the planning and anticipating and day-dreaming goes. 

And then loss comes. You don’t just lose a baby. You lose a 1 and 2 year old and 10 and 20 year old. First days of school and lost teeth. Sibling love and well, just everything. 

You lose a kindergartener. 

Grief is fickle and faceted. It’s so individual, yet universal. I’m still learning as I journey through it. 

This much I do know: it IS well with my soul as I continue to #grievewithhope.

But man, my fleshy heart. That vulnerable mama’s-heart that comes packaged with a first babe. It will never be the same. 

Sometimes more than others its scars are stretched so thin it nearly busts wide again. Sometimes the scars just quietly seep for weeks and other times it's my silent tears that wash them over. 

Yes, my heart is achey these past couple of weeks, and I know if I am feeling this way, then other moms are too.   

That's why I share. I have been strengthen and comforted time and again by others who go before me on similar paths. I'm ever grateful for the women who have shared personally and via social media. They’ve lifted my chin on many occasions. They have validated my grief, reaching across a table or even IG and FB to say “me too”. That community has been invaluable. 

It’s incredibly important to see others who are still living, breathing and actually have a smile return to their face, to know It IS possible.

Friends, give us grace as we continue on with bruised, scarred and aching hearts. Yep, we may share a little too much about our child from time to time. We may say and do things that make you uncomfortable. We will likely go past what society has stamped as our grief expiration date, but, I challenge you to lay out a timeline. It's just.not.possible.

Yes, lots of grace. It's always the right answer. 

and

Remembering. It's always the most precious gift.