Surreal September 11 2014, 8 Comments

Kids are asleep.  Justin has been gone all day getting a tattoo in memory of Bryer.  I am anxious for him to get home for the big reveal.  The house is quiet.  I have a half a glass of red wine to my right and a bag of dark chocolate morsels to my left. Just prior to sitting down here at the computer, I sat folding a load of laundry.  I actually like folding laundry because it's kind of a mind-numbing activity.  

It's been a busy, but great day with the kids.  We went to an indoor play park this morning, followed by lunch and the zoo for the afternoon. Just busy.  I love them with every fiber of my being, but they are not the two to go deep into grief or memories or whatever.  Not when it's on my terms anyway.  So, I found my mind a bit occupied.  Thoughts crept in...I would see the time and remember what we were doing at this time last year etc or I saw various FB posts of friends wearing their t-shirts and it would tug. But it was impossible to stay there long. 

Finally, in the quiet of the evening and the dullness of folding laundry, I took my deep breath.  My mind went racing, jumping from here to there with small, random and big moments.  I couldn't find one to land on.  I didn't know if I wanted to.  Wait, did all of that really happen?

Then I look up on the mantel at one of my favorite pictures of Bryer.  Yes, baby boy. You did happen.  And I audibly thanked God for giving him to us.  Then they came.  The tears.


I kept folding.  And now I am here at the computer.  I came to look at FB.  I love all the sweet and heartfelt comments.  They lift me up.  But, I couldn't shake the feeling that my last post of just pictures of the kids saying good-bye was a bit empty. Probably shouldn't have shared them without a proper blog post explaining the significance of those God ordained moments.  I don't want to post anything to ensue sympathy or attention. Truly. Bryer's life had purpose. For me to do anything less than be a vehicle to fulfill it, would feel like I'm failing him and my Heavenly Father.  I feel called to tell (some of or most or..??) of our story, because it's part of God's greater story. And if for nobody else, it's for Remy and Sander.

But just not tonight, and maybe not even tomorrow.

Thanks for all the love.