Surreal September 11 2014, 8 Comments
Kids are asleep. Justin has been gone all day getting a tattoo in memory of Bryer. I am anxious for him to get home for the big reveal. The house is quiet. I have a half a glass of red wine to my right and a bag of dark chocolate morsels to my left. Just prior to sitting down here at the computer, I sat folding a load of laundry. I actually like folding laundry because it's kind of a mind-numbing activity.
It's been a busy, but great day with the kids. We went to an indoor play park this morning, followed by lunch and the zoo for the afternoon. Just busy. I love them with every fiber of my being, but they are not the two to go deep into grief or memories or whatever. Not when it's on my terms anyway. So, I found my mind a bit occupied. Thoughts crept in...I would see the time and remember what we were doing at this time last year etc or I saw various FB posts of friends wearing their t-shirts and it would tug. But it was impossible to stay there long.
Finally, in the quiet of the evening and the dullness of folding laundry, I took my deep breath. My mind went racing, jumping from here to there with small, random and big moments. I couldn't find one to land on. I didn't know if I wanted to. Wait, did all of that really happen?
Then I look up on the mantel at one of my favorite pictures of Bryer. Yes, baby boy. You did happen. And I audibly thanked God for giving him to us. Then they came. The tears.
I kept folding. And now I am here at the computer. I came to look at FB. I love all the sweet and heartfelt comments. They lift me up. But, I couldn't shake the feeling that my last post of just pictures of the kids saying good-bye was a bit empty. Probably shouldn't have shared them without a proper blog post explaining the significance of those God ordained moments. I don't want to post anything to ensue sympathy or attention. Truly. Bryer's life had purpose. For me to do anything less than be a vehicle to fulfill it, would feel like I'm failing him and my Heavenly Father. I feel called to tell (some of or most or..??) of our story, because it's part of God's greater story. And if for nobody else, it's for Remy and Sander.
But just not tonight, and maybe not even tomorrow.
Thanks for all the love.
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Carey on September 14 2014 at 10:39PM
Dawn – thank you for the encouragement. Jesus Calling has been hugely impactful…I bought 8 of them for friends last Christmas! I love it. You made a difference in my grief by sharing it. Hugs to you. Sara – I love seeing how Andrew has grown and is so HAPPY. Thank you for the many prayers and for remembering Bryer with us. God is so good. Becky- so sweet of you to reach out and send your love. Thank you, means so much. xoxo. Aunt Cheri – I love you!! Kara – your words are kind and encouraging. And to Breena – you know I love you sister friend. thank you.
Dawn McCullough on September 12 2014 at 03:58PM
Your unwavering faith in our Heavenly Father is amazing. Keep that light He has put inside your heart. You are making a major impact on people’s lives for His kingdom!
Sara Waldo on September 12 2014 at 07:27AM
I sit here thinking about you and your beautiful family and what a wonderful testimony you are! We have never met in person but feel like I know you! And now every birthday that my Son Andrew has I will think and remember Byer and his wonderful family who donated precious breast milk to us after arriving home from California with Andrew. I still marvel at how The Lord used both you and Bryer for so many people you haven’t even met but have touched in some way.
I will be praying for you and your beautiful family today that you have peace and the days are filled with love and precious memories of a very special boy!
Breena on September 12 2014 at 06:36AM
Beautiful. “Sharing his story because it’s a part of God’s greater story”. Amen.
Becky Wollemberg on September 11 2014 at 11:39PM
You inspire me with your unwavering faith in God and more importantly in your heartfelt love for your family and little Bryer. I’m thinking of you today. As I often do.
Cheri Jacobus on September 11 2014 at 11:03PM
You are an amazing Godly woman. I am honored to be a small part of your life. Love you and your family.
Kara Kent on September 11 2014 at 10:41PM
You are an inspiration to so many. Thank you for sharing your story.