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The Voice of Truth September 11 2017, 2 Comments

Apologies for the heavier posts, but this is a heavier time of year for me, so tis the season.

Time-hop reminded me, although I had already remembered, about the day 2 years ago that we were told our baby had 2 heart tumors.  

I had gotten a lovely sonogram picture of baby’s (Arrow’s) face.  I remember just staring at it in disbelief. I truly could not believe what we had just been told. 

And as I unraveled, alone in my car in St. Ann’s parking lot, the lies began to come.  Of course, in my broken state I didn’t recognize them as such or call their bluff. I was like a wounded animal in an open field.  Easy prey.  

You can’t do this.

You aren’t strong enough.

You and Justin aren’t strong enough.

You don’t deserve this.

Where is God?

This baby will suffer.

Your family will suffer.

And on and on.  

As I drove from the parking lot to my mom’s, a song came on the radio. It was a rather old song that doesn’t play over and over again like some tend to do.

“The Voice of Truth.”

I listened. I even kept singing the chorus well after it was over.  Over and over and over. I shared the lyrics on FB as I battled silently.  

Wouldn’t you know some 4 hours later when I got back into the car to go home, it was the first song playing when I turned the key?  I love it when God does that.  Knowing how the rest of the story plays out and how much MORE heart break  would be in the coming weeks (the finding of numerous brain tumors at 29 weeks), I know He was trying to get my attention and prepare my heart. 

“Carey, out of all the voices calling out to you, make the choice to keep your eyes on me. Seek the voice of truth.”

And man, I tried. It’s a hard discipline in the midst of a storm.  Somedays were better than others.  Several days in a row were the worst of my life.  But here’s the thing.  The voice of truth, is stronger.  If you just listen for it.

It came to me by way of:

Scripture

My family

My friends

My childhood pastor

A Christian counselor

A Christian mentor/author

We ALL get fed so many lies in our lives here on earth don’t we?  We get attacked from every direction. I’m not good enough. I will never be happy. God has forgotten me. I deserve this. I am just not successful. I am not smart. No body loves me. It’s my fault. I can’t do it.  

When a storm comes, the lies only intensify. So, I want to encourage you.  Seek the voice of truth.  

Stop. Be still.  

Set the fear, the anger, the worry and the loneliness aside long enough to listen for it. Allow people to speak truth into your heart. There are so many who love you, most especially the God who created you.  

This is a picture of Arrow today after I rocked him asleep for a nap.  

The truth is, I love him more than words can begin to capture. The truth is, he is JOY. The truth is, he is happy. The truth is, he IS the blessing that we prayed for all along.  


Be Still My Sticky Soul January 13 2017, 0 Comments

This wasn’t on my list to do today.  Sit down and write a blog post?  There’s a first time for everything and today is that day.

I dropped Arrow off to my Aunt Donna to be there for the WHOLE day.  He was there for 4 hours on Monday and she managed to get 5.5 oz of milk down him from a BOTTLE. Let me say that again, “Arrow drank 5.5 oz from a bottle.”  In other words, he drank from a vehicle other than me.  "Homie say what?!?” was my response when Donna told me. So we are going to try Fridays with Donna and this is my first one. It will collectively be the longest I have been away from him in 13 months and 5 days, not counting the 37 weeks in my uterus.  So, to say I have a list of things to do today is an understatement. Write a blog post was not on that list. But God, I guess he had other plans (insert eye roll).

It’s probably no coincidence that when I returned home from dropping Arrow off and had just cleaned the kitchen and was ready to get to that list I mentioned, I opened the fridge door out and out falls a brand new jug of 100% maple syrup, breaking off the top and dumping ALL over the floor.  

(this is just a portion of the mess)

Sigh. What are you gonna do, let it sit there?  Onto my hands and knees I went with wet paper towel after wet paper towel sopping it up and throwing it away.  As I cleaned, I noticed the new song that came on over Alexa.  “Be Still My Soul” by Kari Jobe.  I listened as I wiped up the sticky robber of my time, then sat back on my heels and listened closer.  "Be Still My Soul”, although another version, was sang at Bryer’s memorial service.  

Verse 2

Be still, my soul, thy God doth undertake.

To guide the future as He has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake...

Chorus

In You I rest, In You I found my hope. In You I trust, You never let me go.

I place my life within Your hands alone.

Be still, my soul.

And the thing is, my soul totally needed stilling. 

Allow me to explain.  The past couple of weeks with Arrow have been so wonderful.  We are seeing some subtle but big (is that an oxymoron?) progress in him.  Things that have been so very encouraging to this mama’s heart.  Gains, development, changes. Sleep!!! Yesterday, I was validated during his therapy session when the therapist said his developmental assessment from just a month ago is already out of date and she was so impressed and pleased with his progress.  When she left and I closed our door, it was almost like one of those sitcoms when a girl’s crush leaves and she sinks back into the door with a goofy grin because she can’t contain her giddy-ness.  Yeah, kind of like that. All you special needs mamas out there, might know the feeling I am trying to convey. So, like giddy, googly-eyed heart palpitations with a side of CHA-CHING were my feels yesterday evening.  Nice, right?!?!  Praise be.

The kids were in bed, Justin was at worship team practice and I sat with my Nutella and pretzels at the dining room table.  Ah.  Peace. Quiet.  Nutella.  Yes.  I opened up the TS Mommies Facebook Group as I typically do.  It’s a huge source of encouragement, support and just down right education for me.  These warrior mamas and their warrior babes.  I learn so much from them.  But then I read this post and all the comments….each one like a jab trying to dismount me from my mountain top therapy session from earlier in the day. 

And I wanted to dive into the giant jar of Nutella never to return.  

Yea, the reality is this.  My Arrow can’t be labeled typical in development yet, but I am believing he can get there eventually.  However, he may never or he may only to be unraveled and spiraled downward again by this disease.

That’s not a “be still my soul” thought.  At all.  That’s a eat as much Nutella and pretzels as you can while worrying about what the future may hold thought.  At least it was last night.

But today, God reminded me as I cleaned up a super sticky and irritating mess of syrup, that He will guide the future has He has the past.  

Do not let your confidence or hope be shaken, Carey.  Rest in me.  Enjoy THIS day.  I will never let you go.  Give me your life.  Give me Arrow’s life.  Trust me.  I’ve got this.  Just be still. 

Thank you, Lord for the reminder.  My soul is stilled.  However, the rest of me needs to get a move on.  My time to get anything done is ticking:)